Oh unfortunately the male british actors didnt do as well.. as but here's the hot ones.. *psst*

Wentworth Miller
Smoking. Period.




Ed Westwick
Wicked. Period.




Chace Crawford
He looks good in every single shot! oh what pretty boy




Godfrey Gao
ok, tw actors are in now.. he's of suitable age for me. really..




Ethan Ruan
Oooo small eyes. Cute!

British accent and that British look

Lena Headey
She carries her american accent amazingly & look @ tt tattoo!




Kiera Knightley
ok, her accent gets a lil pitchy smtimes.. but she's a goddess in her own rights




Emma Watson
The next upcoming! a pity she's gonna study in US, hope she doesnt lose her british accent. wayyy hot too.. but she still looks so young! Grow up quickly!

as always, you inspire me to write. it's been far too long that i've written, read, and played some decent music; i cant seem to get my grammar right nor find the right spacings between sixths on the keyboard.

that aside, i dreamt of u last night. i was late for a movie say bout 45mins and u were mad at me. And the reason for that, i think it was thanks to my bro for dilly dallying as well as the ultimate time taken for the machine to process my payment w a credit card. the irony of it all is that we'll nv catch a movie w my bro, neither will we insist on it after 45 mins, and i won't have paid w a credit card.

And so e cold war went during the movie. (some incredulous logic once again), i checked my mail w my laptop and saw that my mom was returning home on a plane that had some radioactive cpds released.. the seriousness of e matter got to me and i dumbed e laptop and wanted to run away. it was at this point that the dream gave me options like a game book that we all used to play (nostalgic yah): do i disregard u and sprint full force ahead to e airport (god knows how far that really is) or do i excuse myself? and e evaluation tt went thru my mind (as in tt which was in the dream which is in fact concocted by me; ie e mind in e mind?) was tt e former would give a sense of impact but then agn, u might not even care tt much to be bothered, while the latter yah u prob wont bother to ask me what's e matter and just take it as it is.

Either way, i realized i was debating with myself the best option that would make you to just notice me

the now awake me ask myself, why do i subconsciously do that?

Why do i not feel good after that rather lengthy exchange w you? yah it was about work, prob something tt u're sore about, but why does it still not feel gd? there was a bad after taste. it didnt feel like the sms convo that we had - e beauty of chances. which was also then tt i realized i remember quite a fair bit bout e past tt we shared. it's as if they werent too long ago, but it seemed as if u werent involved.. But it's ok, each of us have our own set of memories, be it the truth, the desired or what not. memories are malleable things anyhow.

the beginning of 2010, the end of 2009, the start of the new term, the outings, the catching up.. they all deserve an entry or a written one. But they don't motivate me enough to start penning. Then again, because it has to be original, it's harder hence the procrastination. old habits die hard. anyway, poemhunter finally sent something deserving.

Ice and Fire. Edmund Spenser.

my love is like to ice, and i to fire:
How comes it then that this her cold so great
Is not dissolved through my so hot desire
But harder grows the more i her entreat?
OR how comes it that my exceed heat
is not allayed by her heart-frozen cold.
But that i burn much more in boiling sweat,
and feel my flames augmented manifold?
What more miraculous thing may be told,
That fire, which all things melts, should harden ice.
And ice, which is congeal'd with senseless cold,
should kindle fire by wonderful device?
Such is the power of love in gentle mind,
That it can alter all the course of kind.

Having the sudden urge to release the pent up feelings within. I know i shouldn't, i know it's not accepted, i know them all. But i can't help it. I'm not exactly struggling to accept it myself but is this a phase? will i live past it? will i find another that will give me the same feelings? someone that will make me want to give my all, my time, my effort, my thoughts to.

i find myself wondering, is this how it is like to not have reciprocated love? never exactly been though that.. Well, more like i've never really felt that much for somebody ever before. Previously, love was convenient, didn't really have to fight for it. Now, no matter what i do, no matter what i say.. be it relentlessly pursuit coupled with the warmth tt i can ever give or the cold indifferent pretense that i have to upkeep.. i cannot keep ur heart with me. i'm no longer the source of ur happiness. and i know, love should be noble. i should be happy when u are, but i cant seem to keep out jealousy. i don't know why. yet i don't show, because i cant and i shouldn't and i don't want to. i don't want to show that i'm weak without you. i don't want to reveal my vulnerability. i didnt used to have that side of me, till i met u - my heart opened. But now that you left without closing my heart, the bleeding won't seem to stop. and i've to pretend now that it has healed and it's all but a scar to reminiscent on. but it isn't.

what's the point in typing all these really?

After such a long hiatus, finally we met up to catch up on each other's lives.. It's then i realized that really, i shld stay away from u.. cuz u bring too much sadness to my life. It hurts actually, to know and feel that things will never ever be the same again, yet to not let it show. maybe you felt that way too. Nono, i take that back. But yah. IT's today that i truly realize somethings will just nv ever be the same again.. really.. and i hate myself for asking who did u go with for ur holiday.. and i had to pretend i din care. why must i live through such pretence?

Sweet is all the undeniable love, that fate has lavished unto me.
A soulmate was found in your eyes, you are & always will be my destiny.

Bitter is the agonizing torture i feel, knowing our destiny wont play out.
You linger heavy in my heart and soul, but you, im forced to now live without.

Sweet is the sound of your voice and the bright smile always on your face.
Bitter is knowing its not for me anymore for your reasons, i've been replaced.

The bitter sweetness and irony of it all, rips my broken heart completely into two.
One half for the bitterness of letting you go, one half for the sweetness of loving you still.

Chanced meeting, oh! what feelings it had brought.
Exuberance masked the pain apt, right just as it was taught.

Sweet was e surprise, Bitter was the taste.
Sour was the after, leaving anger hot in place.

All the expectations All the yearnings vanished into naught.
All the warmth all the attempts frozen to a knot.

Summer gushes, chills of the autumn came.
All but winter freezes, were the only ones left to stay.

Ice cold were my fingers, lingered on the keys of your name.
Maze lost were my thoughts, dwelled on the intent of you in the game.

Enough of the wall built, there is no more us to speak.
Enough of the apathy, there is no more left to give.

This emotional down period has been around for some time. Mostly dormant in it's form, yet never to not appear during those brief moments of company. Making the contrast of loneliness in this confusing world even more apparent. A happy game of bowling, a show-off time at pool, a wondrous chalet, a tiring game of fris-capball, a warm gathering of steamboat; that feeling never seem not appear.

As i hear out others in their own woes, frustrations and despair, i sympathize and empathize yet i cannot allow others to know of the latter. Yeah, i seem like a good pair of listening ear, an understanding person; to be able to pin point those exact feelings, put them into words and try come up with remedies.. But that I cannot take compliment of. Life has taught me much, and in a certain sense, the person whom i loved most and hurt me most, gave me the most valuable lesson as well. It shaped me to be bale to empathize. As i sit here and mull over the sad outcome, company does me no good for there is no room for such information to be shared. None with an open mind. Else maybe the greatest fault lies in my judgment against others that they might judge. How hypocritical of me - the deceit of own prejudice shouldered upon others' judgmental eyes. Yet again, to whom can i tell?

Certain emotional lines came along these days.. Especially when i try my best to not keep in contact with you. With expectations come disappointment. Great disappointment. I thought i was done wanting anything from you, yet the heart of desire never seem to fully seal; a minute glimpse of hope akin to light seeps, and the dark seems to be filled entirely by the tiny ray. I know, because when you ping me out of the blue, excitement and enthusiasm should have hit me. Yet i felt avoidance, blame, and ugly thoughts like "what took you so long?". I hesitated in my replies. I sense my own struggle: whenever i first log in to MSN, I'll first look to see if you're online. If you ain't, disappointment strikes. If you are, thoughts of why won't you talk to me floats. what do i do? Time has done something destructive to us, hasn't it? Maybe I'm in the phase of anger n blaming of grieving over lost.

What you never know won't desert you; What you never know won't say goodbye; What you never know won't hurt you, What you never know won't make you cry.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing. Cause I've got time while she got freedom, cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even.

Your Existing Situation

"Is stubborn and strong-willed, once her mind is made up it is impossible to change it. she does not ask for much, so she feels when she does ask her needs should be met."

Your Stress Sources

Concerned about unhappy relationships; feels as there is no hope to restore friendship and trust. The situation is depressing but feels she must continue although she is exhaustive.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Feels unhappy and isolated because she is unable to succeed in finding the cooperation and understanding she desires.

Current situations force her into compromise and placing her own hopes and desires on hold for the time being.

Conceited and is easily insulted. Holds back emotionally but is able to find satisfaction through sexual activity.

Conceited and is easily insulted. Holds back emotionally but is able to find satisfaction through sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective

"Not a team player and is unwilling to be involved in most activities. In the past she was over involved and now emotionally drained. Due to her fear of over involvement, she now chooses to remain uninvolved with the activities around her. "

Your Actual Problem

"Current situation leaves her feeling anxious and restless, producing large amounts of stress and tension. Attempts to escape by appearing at peace and refusing to appear involved or interested."

Your Actual Problem #2

"Feeling a lack of energy, she does not wish to be involved in further activity or give in to demands. she is feeling powerless causing her stress, agitation, and irritation, all which she tries to escape by refusing to participate altogether. she is determined to get her own way in the end and is cautious as she puts her plan in action."